Half of unconditional Love

I recently had a new realization.

It’s crazy how even 15 months into this shitty reality, that can happen, and I know that it will be far from the last. I realized that my kids would never be the first priority for a man again. My daughter has the chance to find a good husband one day that will put her always first in his life, but that’s no guarantee, and my boys, will never have a man step up and make them his absolute first priority.

My family and friends are great, those men in our lives have absolutely stepped up to the plate to love, and support them, but at the end of the day, they have either their own children, or own lives to focus on, the reality of our day to day, and all of the constant reminders is not a reality they could possibly understand.

This was a heart wrenching reality, because our parents are the two people in this world that love us, even the most dysfunctional of parents love their children, certainly my children felt that way.

Loosing a parent is like loosing half of that unconditional love, your chances just increased by fifty percent that you could be completely parentless, and as much as I try to always live without fear, that reality scares me.

This valentines my Dad came to bring me an orchid, I thought its so nice that I have him, that man in my life I can always count on, that even though my husband is not here, my Dad will always make an effort for me, which in that moment of gratitude led me to the awareness that my daughter doesn’t have that. The protective feeling that only a Dad can provide, and again, I was sad for them.

The thing is they were robbed of that man they looked up to, the man they admired and that was always a source of strength and protection for them. I don’t know what that feels like, I can’t understand what it feels like to be a child and loose half of your security in this world. I know what loosing a husband feels like, I know the way it has changed everything forever for all of us, and that I now am the only security they have.

This absence of their father they will feel their whole life, every life defining moment, and small reminders along the way. They will only have the memories, which sadly will fade over time, the pictures, stories and things of his to remember him by. This is the reality of their journey, which is theirs to have, like mine is for me, so I will remind them of his love, and step up to protect them and provide guidance from Mom and from the perspective of their Dad, hoping that I get it right, hoping that they will find immense joy in their lives, making sure they are living fully and knowing that their dad is watching from above saying, “I’m so proud.”